How an 8 to 5 Changes You....and 365

I've been feeling rather old and boring since starting my new job. I'm trying to nip it in the bud, but I've got to take some time to adjust to these "changes" caused by removing 40 hours a week (45 if you include lunch, more like 60 when traffic's bad, 70 when I add in time to get ready in the mornings...*sigh*) of my personal freedom do to whatever.

Don't get me wrong. I am loving my new job (even though I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing), I'm just not sure I'm ready to give up the almost-total-freedom I've had for the last year. Last year at this time, I wanted nothing more than a predictable schedule where I wake early, have evenings off, dress nicely everyday & not have to work on weekends. I'm grateful for that now, but I owe my time to my job even when I'm not there because I have to have enough energy to get through the day.

For instance....why am I writing this at 5:00 am on a Sunday?!? I planned on going out with friends both Friday and Saturday night this weekend, but ended up passing out between 9 & 10 both nights, then waking back up between about 4 & 5. They say your body craves a sleeping schedule, so I guess mine is keeping me on my M-F schedule during the weekends, too. How old of me.

Changes I Need to Make Because of My Career:

-First alarm set at 5:30.

-I MUST shower at night. I can't look greasy & I can't snooze if I have to take one in the morning.

-Breakfast (usually oatmeal, yogurt, coffee & fruit) are out the night before

-Clothes for the week are picked out and ironed on Sundays

-No ponytails (I see this changing soon...but for now my hair's down everyday)

-Makeup usually in the car...oops. This needs to change when I upgrade.

-NEW BUDGET!!!

-Nails are almost always done

-I have 2 bags everyday. Three if I bring lunch.

-Traffic is now a daily ordeal (even my photography job in Edmond wasn't trafficky 9 times out of 10)

-I run errands during lunch. Sometimes I nap.

-Constant caffeine (that's not much different)

-No jeans, even on casual Friday (so.....not that casual)

-My clothes are now split into 2 closets: work & not work. Haven't been using the "Not Work" so much :o(

-My feet are throbbing everyday because of heels. I only wear flats on Fridays.

-My heels are all becoming worn in!!

-I, along with everyone else on the sales team, sneak out at 4:30 to avoid traffic (I usually get to about Santa Fe on 240 :o/

-When I get home, I MUST change out of clothes, put them away (in laundry or hung back up w/ febreeze for pants), and get started on something productive or else I'm done for the night.

-I just gave my bed an "Off Limits 'Til 9" rule, unless I'm sick.

-My weekends are still ruled by work (planning ahead, getting things done, etc.)

-Bedtime is usually about 11.

A few 365 updates...

Well, my two-week long adventure where I never stayed in one place for more than 4 days is over....& I'm exhausted from it! I'm really going to enjoy staying put & having my suitcase stored away.

06/18/2010

Day 117: The Mont, of course!!

06/19/2010

Day 118: Fry your skin day at Kirsten's pool, then Big Truck Taco!!

06/20/2010

Day 119: I'm going to miss these minivans :o(

06/21/2010

Day 120: The conference wrap-up dinner at Himalaya's

06/22/2010

Day 121: Dinner with the family! We went to Christina's, one of our favorite Mexican restaurants, & I had my favorite fired shrimp meal!

06/23/2010

Day 122: My mom treated Ryan, his girlfriend & me (& herself) to pedicures!!

06/24/2010

Day 123: I flew into Tucson!! We went to lunch, ran some errands & set up Jaymee's classroom!!

06/25/2010

Day 124: Road trip from Tucson, AZ to Dallas, TX --> 19 hours with 4 kids!!! It was 3 am when we finally got to my parents' house.

06/26/2010

Day 125: Playing Phase 10 with the family on a Saturday night.

06/27/2010

Day 126: Driving back to Normy to start my new job in the morning!

06/28/2010

Day 127: Day 1 of the new job, per Jaymee's request.

06/29/2010

Day 128: Day 2 of the new job...I finished setting up my desk!!

"Whatever Makes You Happy"

I'm going to try something new. Instead of being frustrated about things I'd rather not happen, I'm going to try and accept "whatever makes you happy." There are plenty of pre-existing things that I have not, despite enough mental energy to power Eurasia for a decade, been able to embrace or accept, I've decided no new things be added to the list.

Yesterday was a horrible day. Everything kept going wrong in addition to a new development that I'd rather not have happened. I lost a reasonable amount of sleep the night before and last night, & I'm done with it. However, I know me; I can't just let things go. So, instead of harboring negative energy about it or letting it continue to bother me, I decided on my way to work this morning that I would just accept "whatever makes you happy." As a bigger bonus, I hopefully won't be frustrated decisions that other people make that I cannot control.

I hope this isn't too passive for me (passiveness tends to build, then escalate, then exponentiate if I do nothing about it)....I'm hoping it's more of a way to find peace with reality and be glad that the people in my life are making decisions that make them happy.

And, maybe, I can start thinking "whatever makes you happy" about things in the past that I'd rather not have happened the way they did.

Thoughts?

I got a yob.

I got hired! A nice, cushy, benefit-ridden job. A boss that thinks my somewhat ridiculous personality traits are completely desirable. A job where I don't have to go to the office everyday if I'd rather work from home, & where I never....ever....ever have to work weekends.

I'm nervous....

....but very very happy!!!

No Sleep

I woke up at 3:00 this morning; I haven't been able to sleep at all.

I gave up around 5:15 & decided to try & figure things out....:o/

I'm really struggling right now with whether or not to continue grad school. I've basically decided that if I don't get a job offer by July 1st (when I would need to renew my lease), then I should probably stay in school. I want a job. The best scenario would be to find a great job here...I just don't know if it's going to happen. And....grad school paid the bills this semester b/c of my assistantship. It would continue to pay the bills. It's an enticing offer. (I can worry about my student loan debt later, I guess).

The problem is: I don't want to be in school forever. Don't get me wrong....I LOVE school, but I also love living an adult life and I really love making & having money. I also don't want to be in school forever if I'm not absolutely certain it's what I want to do/to be.

So, in order to stay in school, I need to bust my butt & get it done. This last semester was spent catching up...leveling courses. Not that interesting, which is maybe why I hated it from the beginning. My one graduate class was terrible, impractical & depressing.

I was looking at what it would take to get the rest of this degree DONE in 3 more semesters...it would be tough, but possible. Remember, grad students are half-time at 5 hours and full-time at 9...

August Intersession: 3 hours

Fall 2010: 12 hours (9 Grad, 3 Undergrad @ OCCC) --> highly unadvised!!!

Spring 2011: 10 hours

Summer 2011: 3 hours

Fall 2011: 8 hours

The thing is, whether I put myself on a deadline or not, it really only makes sense to go nuts this fall. The August Intersession is a class I could really use. I would have to get that 3 hour undergrad class out of the way, & 6 hours of the classes would have to be done in the fall only anyway. If I decided to add back on the extra semester, it would only be in order to take a semester for an amazing internship or something.

So, for now, my plan is to keep searching for that "right job" for the next 2-3 weeks...& search hard. If nothing by the 1st, then "be cool, stay in school...again."

What do you think?

Rough Week, Y'all.

Does anyone ever feel like you're not good enough?

This is not a rhetorical question.

I'm so sick of everyone telling me (and of me telling myself) that I deserve better.

Better love-life, better relationships, better social life, better professional life.

I know I deserve better, but when I go out to get what I want or TRY to get what I want...this "betterness"...I just end up rejected and feeling worse than I did in the first place.

What if you are willing to risk everything? WHAT IF YOU HAVE RISKED EVERYTHING?!?! What if then, you still don't get what you want and what you deserve? What then?

I know it takes a lot of disappointment and failure to have success, but anyone who really knows me knows HOW HARD I WORK. These people also know that my self-esteem/confidence isn't even marginally okay. It's my greatest and most frustrating flaw. I try to achieve "betterness" by trying to be better at everything, which is just exhausting; it's not really worth it if I'm not reaping the rewards of my efforts.

I don't want goodness...I want greatness. I don't want to settle.

These last few weeks, I've given up on things and on people that I haven't wanted to. I want to keep fighting, but I'm sick and tired of failing. Is that settling or the opposite of settling?

I know this is really vague, there has just been a lot going on that is emotionally driving me down. I don't know how much I can (or should) disclose online.

I just don't know how much more disappointment I can handle. I have been putting so much energy into living life to the fullest and grabbing the bull by the cajones, but things aren't paying off.

In response to the Rolling Stones:

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, you might find
You get what you need...

If I can't get what I want, I'm trying with all of the energy I have, & I'm sure as hell not getting what I need.......what then?

I've tried every school of thought I can think of as some sort of divine intervention. I've tried praying, I've tried having faith that God will provide, I've tried the Secret, I've tried meditation, I've tried Kenpo (helps with the short term lol...)....& I really don't want to go freaking Jihad on someone. (Lame attempt at humor, not meant to offend anyone or cause ANY scare threat whatsoever).

If you want to know more, you should give me a call. I could probably use it.

Mommy, WOW. I'm a big kid now.

So I think I decided something. Well, there's a couple of decided things. This post will take care of two, maybe three, of those cliffhangers from a couple of days ago.

First off, I am most likely not going back to school to continue my master's program

• Unless I don't find a job, then I'll continue. It's paying the bills and is free, so I really can't complain too much except that I hate it
• Unless I decide that I want to switch concentrations (currently media management, Prof. Jim Avery has half convinced me I NEED to be in strategic communications [PR+Advertising])

Second, I just TODAY decided I'm not going to find a job in June. I was planning on something rinky-dink like HobLob, McAlister's, etc. However, it was only going to be for about a month, because my summer schedule looks like this.

• May 14-27 FREE TO WORK
• May 28-31 Memorial Day Weekend/Float Trip?!?!
• June 1-10 FREE TO WORK
• June 11-22 Women's Leadership in Media Project (Gaylord, part of my assistantship, getting paid)
• June 24 (ish)-July 5 (ish) Spending constant time with the lovely Fisher Family in Dallas.
• July 6-_______ FREE TO WORK

Instead, I am just going to look for odd jobs around town: oddjobnation.com & craiglist.com are my new best friends to pick up extra cash when I am going out of my mind/savings too rapidly depleting. I mow, if you have a mower. I babysit. I clean. Etc. My main goals will be to think, reflect, plan, have fun, P90X and job search e.ver.ee.day.

Third, once July 6 hits, I can start a full-time big kid job (which means looking...NOW). But, I'm not going to settle. I talking a good salary, full benefits, something that won't make me hate my life. I'd love to stay in Oklahoma, I just don't know if it's possible. :o(

Cities where I'm looking...like really really looking & I would love to live there looking:

• Oklahoma City
• Dallas/Fort Worth
• Austin
• New York City
• Chicago
• Los Angeles
• (Tucson) --> I know if I didn't put this on there, Jaymee would be sad and ring my little neck....

I'd also consider a couple of other cities, but not as seriously. I needed to rank things down a bit. Boston, Cincinnati (close family friends there), DC, Denver, Houston, Paris, Phoenix, San Fran, Seattle, Tulsa

Ranked in order of job availability pertinent to ME (most jobs to least jobs)

1. New York City
2. Chicago
3. Los Angeles
4. Austin/Dallas
5. Austin/Dallas
6. Oklahoma City
7. Tucson

Ranked in order of how scary it be to move there, based on family/friends/my personal comfort level (most scary to least scary)

1. Chicago/LA (I know no one)
2. Chicago/LA (I know no one)
3. NYC (I know Laura [Now do you see why I've wanted your "butt calls" to be real calls] & a few others)
4. Austin (Lots of friends from high school)
5. Tucson (Fisher family)
6. Dallas (Walker family/lots of college & high school friends)
7. Oklahoma City (Lots of college friends, home for the last 5 years, boy man guy I'm seeing)

Did you catch that? Yeah I let that little bit slip.

I don't know what to do guys.

Burn the Candles

Maybe...this will be a little vague. Vague in meaning, but not in purpose. You see, I can't sleep. Time to blog, my cute little neglected bloggers.

In case you didn't know, or in case you've never spent any more than 10 minutes with me, I struggle with anxiety. It's an issue & a down-right pain in the tookis. Here's something new: In October, I was on no health insurance & was too broke cheap stubborn to pay full price for medications...I went off of my anxiety medication COLD TURKEY after a reasonably high dose for the last 5 years.

YAY!!!!!! Even though this was definitely not what any medical professional would have recommended (nor any reasonable person, given a laundry list of issues which had taken place over the previous six months that alone could be considered fundamentally shaking), I went off of each of my 14 (= a lot) different daily pills (between meds & vitamins) save THE Pill (still important).

I haven't felt this great in at least the last 2 years. TWO YEARS. I don't know that I've ever felt this great. Physically, emotionally, psychologically....I'm in a good place. Things aren't perfect. I hate grad school. I have a hard time seeding & growing relationships. I'm confused about what it is I want to do with my life. I'm ready for a REALLY GOOD & POSITIVE life change. But, I feel fantastic....it's a really great way to feel even amidst all of this uncertainty.

/*End Rant of Personal Triumph*/

Anyway, I've got some anxiety/stress stuff going on right now. It's no day in the park, but I'm handling it. I can't sleep, I'd really like to go workout (even though it's currently 415 am), I am so badly craving a Diet Coke, my mind is racing & all I can manage to do is to lie curled up in a ball on my bed hoping to miraculously find a sheep beneath my shut-eye. For now I'm looking forward to day light so that I can force myself to live my life. This is why people sleep at night & not during the day.

I once saw somewhere that the worst thing a person with anxiety can do is daydream. Too easily, daydreaming can get out of control & snowball into a bigger issue for "us." Problem: I really really enjoy daydreaming & didn't want to give it up. I used to think that this was an insurmountable problem until I became conscious of it. I daydream a lot less now. (I actually posted about this back in August: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e13frxJu6Ls)

So along with that, and along with the point that I spent the greater half of the afternoon talking with a friend about living life to the fullest, I come to my point.

I HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE IN THE PRESENT. (You do, too). Stop reminiscing/regretting the past because it's there to stay. Stop looking forward to the future like it's destined to be perfect & magical (it won't be....this is just creating unreasonable expectations where letdowns are nearly inevitable).

When this gets difficult, I think about 1 thing on 2 different levels. One of the two usually does the trick.

The thing: Every second that passes is a moment that's gone forever.

Level 1: I spent two of the best years of my life (ages 21 & 22) being really really depressed. I never get another chance to be 21 & 22. I can't change this, but I'll be dam.ned if I don't make up for it while I'm 23/24/25/26/etc. I only get one life.

Level 2: Do you look forward to the weekend? To summer? To a great vacation? To being retired? We all do. It's impossible to not. But, how much mental energy do you put into it? Why not try & make your Tuesday better than any weekend day? I guess the way I see it is that it's really difficult to live in the moment when you're always looking forward to that next great moment. (Yes, I do realize that at this very moment I am "looking forward to day light so that I can force myself to live my life." Contradiction, yes, but I'm too lazy not reword my logic; I guess it's just better to call myself out on the mistake than for someone else to.)

Anyway....I know this wasn't very organized & was a little lengthy, but I felt the need to share.