Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Rough Week, Y'all.

Does anyone ever feel like you're not good enough?

This is not a rhetorical question.

I'm so sick of everyone telling me (and of me telling myself) that I deserve better.

Better love-life, better relationships, better social life, better professional life.

I know I deserve better, but when I go out to get what I want or TRY to get what I want...this "betterness"...I just end up rejected and feeling worse than I did in the first place.

What if you are willing to risk everything? WHAT IF YOU HAVE RISKED EVERYTHING?!?! What if then, you still don't get what you want and what you deserve? What then?

I know it takes a lot of disappointment and failure to have success, but anyone who really knows me knows HOW HARD I WORK. These people also know that my self-esteem/confidence isn't even marginally okay. It's my greatest and most frustrating flaw. I try to achieve "betterness" by trying to be better at everything, which is just exhausting; it's not really worth it if I'm not reaping the rewards of my efforts.

I don't want goodness...I want greatness. I don't want to settle.

These last few weeks, I've given up on things and on people that I haven't wanted to. I want to keep fighting, but I'm sick and tired of failing. Is that settling or the opposite of settling?

I know this is really vague, there has just been a lot going on that is emotionally driving me down. I don't know how much I can (or should) disclose online.

I just don't know how much more disappointment I can handle. I have been putting so much energy into living life to the fullest and grabbing the bull by the cajones, but things aren't paying off.

In response to the Rolling Stones:
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, you might find
You get what you need...

If I can't get what I want, I'm trying with all of the energy I have, & I'm sure as hell not getting what I need.......what then?

I've tried every school of thought I can think of as some sort of divine intervention. I've tried praying, I've tried having faith that God will provide, I've tried the Secret, I've tried meditation, I've tried Kenpo (helps with the short term lol...)....& I really don't want to go freaking Jihad on someone. (Lame attempt at humor, not meant to offend anyone or cause ANY scare threat whatsoever).

If you want to know more, you should give me a call. I could probably use it.

1 comment:

  1. we will talk about this tomorrow!

    and all i can say (for now) is advice from Dory: "just keep swimming" - don't lose sight of what you deserve.