Monday, September 13, 2010

Holy Stress Level.

I should NOT be blogging right now; I have to...I feel like I could scream, so I'm going to write instead.

I have no earthly idea what I'm doing in grad school right now. I'm happy with the decision to stay in...I'm happier with the decision to switch concentrations...I'm not happy with extreme amounts of anxiety I've been having over the past 4 weeks. We're talking serious, lose sleep, lose your breakfast, not be able to focus on anything but the stress sort of anxiety. The sort of anxiety that I loathe because it's all too familiar & I've tried to banish it all many times before.

I don't want to drop all of my classes. I don't want to drop any of my classes. BUT...I don't want the stress either. I'd love just to go on autopilot for the next 13 weeks and get it all done with grace & skill, but I just don't know if that's possible.

I am feeling so much conflict about this!! I would rather be investing this stress into my great job or into my great friends or my great family....instead it's invested into school, which seems more like a waste than anything. Education is a waste? Is that what I'm saying? That doesn't sound like me.

So, on a Monday night, I'm sitting at Picasso Cafe in Paseo while 50 twenty-somethings are enjoying Motown Night....I'm supposed to be reading and writing on advertising ethics theory development. I love the topic, I don't love the dry and boring scholarship (I'd rather just have the wealth of knowledge that comes from reading without the painful act). I should be here until the place closes down, hurry home & continue writing until 3 or 4 or.......I don't even want to think about it.

So, I know I shouldn't be blogging, but I can't seem to concentrate on the task at hand. If I go home, I will surely fall asleep. At least I'm forced to stay awake here.

I do love that I have my APA manual with me :o)....sigh.

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