Friday, November 26, 2010

Day 22 (September 28, 2010)

Considering I’ve completely devoted myself to the entire subscription financially and bloggishly (awesome word choice there, graduate school student), I figure I should also be honest about how I’m feeling about the whole thing.

First, I’ve come to the realization that unless I am absolutely enamored with someone, being in a relationship is not worth my time and energy. Being with someone that I’m only feeling 80 percent of the time (not literally, dirty minds) is not worth cutting into my wonderful life and my time with my wonderful friends who have been such a strong support to get me back on my feet.

I always knew that “safe” relationships weren’t my thing. I knew I wouldn’t want to settle for anything less than incredible and passionate and punch-drunk love. This is part of the reason why I am so picky…I don’t think there’s anything wrong with putting it out there that I am not looking for a casual relationship but that I am seeking a partner for the rest of my life. I don’t want to rush a relationship at all, but I’m not interested in sharing my life with someone who I feel is only temporary situation.

Maybe I don’t need this thing. Maybe I don’t want a straightforward and safe approach to dating. Yes, the platform has its benefits, such as the “what you see is what you get” survey questions to weed out any deal-breakers. Seeing Pete is nice and all, but I don’t see it being a forever sort of relationship (given that he reappears in the picture) at this point in time and I don’t want to waste my time trying to see a glimmer of hope. I’m usually a very good judge about how I feel about people. Initial impressions are nearly impossible to correct if they’re bad. (note: I know this may not be the best outlook, but that is how I am and I’ve come to terms with the reality of the situation, though I see the weaknesses in this approach….grad school bleeding through my writing again...must explain everything in full detail!!!)

I also haven’t felt right seeing Pete when my mind has been on The Hottie leaving for LA this weekend. We’d been maintaining contact over the last month or so after a cooling-off period for me when he got in this new relationship. I knew we both wanted to see each other one last time before he left forever.

I had left a watch and necklace at his house back from when we were dating. One way or another, I wanted the necklace back. We planned for me to drop by late tonight after finishing a paper to pick it up and say toodle-loo. No big deal right? Wrong. I could not seem to lock it up all day at work. My mind was on him and my emotions were running rampant. I knew it would be tough to see him. I knew it would harder to say good-bye, knowing it may be the last time I ever saw the guy I had fallen completely head over heels for.

More than anything, I was most frustrated that I was “that” girl. You know…the girl who could not get over this incredible guy…who broke my heart…who has a girlfriend…who is moving to LA in 5 days. Whenever I can’t put my mind over my heart, I know it’s real. My heart was winning this one.

I finished the paper at 8:59, freaked out for about 20 minutes or so knowing that I was about to go see him, then hopped in the car.

I stopped by his to pick up my necklace after touching up my tear-stained makeup at the McDonald’s a mile from his house. I didn’t see his car, but maybe it was in the garage. I rang the doorbell and waited for a good 2 minutes. His roommate Casey finally opened the door, said The Hottie wasn’t there and let me in. I called The Hottie, but he didn’t answer. Stood up. I was furious, but figured it may be for the best. Casey showed me where the necklace should be, I found it and I was on my merry way.

Two minutes later, The Hottie called me back. He said he didn’t expect me so soon and felt terrible that he missed me. He told me to come back in about 15 minutes, if I wanted, and he would be there. He really wanted to see me and I could tell he was worried he’d missed an opportunity to say good-bye. I told him I would run to the store and come back. He wanted to have a couple of people over, so I assumed that would force me to keep it casual.

Back at his house, he was opening up a bottle of Maker’s Mark and hanging out with another one of his roommates. Things were a little awkward, but 2 drinks and 20 minutes later everything was comfortable. We were having some good conversations and I couldn’t help but remember how easy things were between us. Nothing had changed. After a while he dropped a bombshell…the best bombshell I’d ever heard. He was only going to LA on a 3-month contract and could very likely come back to Oklahoma in January. It could be a permanent move, but for now it was temporary. This was great for my interest in him, but terrible for my desire to move on from him. I’d pick the former any day.

Between 4 people that night, we killed the entire bottle of Maker’s Mark. We were all sufficiently drunk (on a Tuesday) and I hadn’t slept but 3 hours the night before. We were all dancing and laughing. The Hottie and I were flirting and joking. He kept picking me up under my butt with his arms to hug me…something he always did that drove me the best kind of crazy. He liked doing this because I could then see eye-to-eye with him (he’s 6’4”) and because he had a thing for my bootie…a lot. It. Was. Awesome. Of course I still had feelings for him, and none of that was letting up at this point. I wanted to stay guarded and not get my hopes up, but they were there that something would happen.

About 4:00 in the morning, I was reasonably sober and exhausted, so I decided I would leave. The Hottie walked me downstairs, holding my hand. The next 20 minutes or so was a blur, but it went something like this. He was hugging me with his arms around the small of my back so that I would have to stay close and would have to arch my back to look at the adorable face, my arms were around his neck. Again, we stayed like this for 20 minutes. Conversation fog included the following.

Him: It was so good to see you.

Him: You are so damn sexy…and it’s confusing me about what I should do

Me: I have to be honest with you…I don’t want you to go.

Me I still have feelings for you, which is a problem. I’m “that” girl who fell for this amazing guy. He broke my heart, but the feelings didn’t go anywhere. He has a girlfriend. He’s moving to LA

Him: I feel like such an asshole.  I’m so thankful you don’t hate me for that shit I pulled this summer…I miss you. I’m sorry about this summer. I’m sorry about missing you earlier tonight. I’m sorry I’m leaving. I’m sorry about everything.

Him: I’m not worth it…I’ve messed with you too many times and you deserve better.

Me: You ARE worth it and I can’t just ignore how I feel about you. You make me think completely irrationally, but you are absolutely amazing…and I don’t want to see you go. What if I never see you again?

Him: You’ll see me again. I’ll be back in 3 months.

Me: Maybe you’ll be back.

Him: I’ll be back.

Him: Will you see me this weekend in Dallas?

Me: Of course.

Him: I don’t want you to go…I’m worried about you driving home. Promise you’ll text me when you get there.

Me: Okay, I promise.

Him: Promise!

Me: I promise.

Him: Okay…see ya Friday, hopefully.

(5 second pause)

Me: Bye, (Insert Name Here)

Now, this is really awkward to explain. The nature of conversation was…risky. He has a girlfriend, remember. Not my usual standard of ethical behavior. Amidst all of this conversation in the seemingly painful hugging embrace, somehow that "line" didn't cross. I could hear his heart beating and I wanted to fall asleep right then and there. Our hands were lingering, but never once did we kiss on the lips or move too far. We were close…too close…but that’s a line we knew better than to cross tonight. Honest to goodness, this was probably the most intimate and real conversations of my life. It felt like something out of a movie. It was also one of the most painful conversations I’ve ever had. I was going places in conversation with him that I never thought I would go. I felt like I was falling in love with a man in a relationship who was moving away in 5 days….and all I wanted to do was cry.

I didn’t drive home, but I didn’t sleep with him either. I was just too tired and I would have only gotten two hours of sleep anyway. I was sleeping on the floor and I could hear that he was as restless getting to sleep as I was.

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