this is the happ(ier) one

DON'T READ THIS POST FIRST. READ THE NEXT ONE FIRST. IT WILL MAKE MUCH MORE SENSE IF YOU DO!!!

After feeling overwhelmingly bummed the last few days, things got worse.

I'm sure that you're thinking "this is the happ(ier) post from the last one." No worries. I'm getting to that.

I've spent the last 48 hours almost completely devoted to figure out how to get that happy place. Work has been so so so slow, and I haven't been able to sleep more than 4 hours or so at a time, even with my (medically necessary) sleeping pills. I think I may have found the golden ticket. (It's spending 48 hours devoted to brainstorming how to get to that happy place, in case you were wondering).

I'm not going to lie, 2 nights ago was one of the worst nights of my life. This included the tough nights in France. I felt like my anxiety trapped me in and I couldn't escape. Luckily, my "survival instinct" (no, I didn't think I was going to die) was stronger than the adrenaline (that was making everything worse).

I swear this will end up being a happy post!!

I was still miserably sad, but I had started to think about what I needed to do to make everything better in the long run, and here's what I think it really going to help me be a happier and better person/adult (ahhhh!).

First, I watched this video on YouTube. I recommend it for anyone with anxiety issues or that has had panic attacks. If that's not a problem for you, this guy won't be beneficial at all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e13frxJu6Ls

I had never noticed how harmful daydreaming could be for someone like me, but he's right about it turning into negative thoughts. Sadly, I love to daydream, particularly when I'm driving. (I should get books on tape to help).

Then I reflected on what my needs.....my NECESSITIES...are to stop feeling so upset or helpless so much of the time. It's in my (and yours, too) best interest to be happy e-ver-y-day.

I set some goals for myself, then I set some expectations for myself. These sound like the same thing, and in principle they are, but the degree of importance between them is drastic.

Goals for myself:

1. HAVE FUN!!

-I don't let myself have enough fun. Once I got serious about doing well in school, I nearly obsessed over it. I'm only 22. I should be having fun.

-I am a work first play later person, but right now I can afford to play first and work later. I am really going to work hard to do this.

2. Socialize more with old & new friends.

3. Ask myself: How do each of my actions affect other people?

4. Be ambitious again.

5. Always show my appreciation to others.

6. Be strong and independent.

-BTW I don't want to be overly independent. I just don't want to be codependent on others.

7. Pay more attention to my presence and my body language. Smile more.

-My relaxed face makes me look mean, unapproachable, and bitchy. I see it too, but I am none of those things! It is horribly frustrating.

8. Be more energetic.

-I get tired easily. There is no need to let people know that I am exhausted all of the time.
-Also, I get very frustrated with myself when I can't socialize (or STOP socializing) just because I am tired when it's only 10:00. Again, I need to have more fun!!!

9. Complain less.

-I have a good life. I complain so much about little tiny things that really mean nothing! So, I guess this also falls under "Be more positive and optimistic."

10. LOVE MYSELF

-Everyday. All the time. Make changes to the things I can change (such as all 9 goals listed above...). Love what makes me me (except I don't love my naturally curly hair, in case you hadn't noticed. Thus, I love my Chi.).

Expectations I have for myself:

1. Say please and thank you.

2. Don't be afraid to meet new people.

3. Be more patient.

4. Be okay hanging out with only the company of myself.

5. Listen more. Talk less.

6. Build myself esteem (this, I think, is from where all of the other crap stems)

***some of the others are variations of my goals, so I'll leave them out!

Today will be a good day.

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AND NOW FOR THE FUN PART!!!

This morning, when I couldn't sleep I was daydreaming (D#$%), I guess that video will have to be a learning process) about living in Paris. I was trying to be ambitious (Goal #4), and living there has always been my dream (to live in Paris, not just France. I did that, remember?).

Alas, I ended up at one of my favorite websites.

http://www.parisattitude.com/

This is an English site that has apartments only in Paris. Most of these are furnished and very tiny. I THINK IT WOULD BE AWESOME TO LIVE IN AN ITTY BITTY 52 SQ FT STUDIO!!

Here are some pictures of my favorites!!!

This one is my favorite tiny studio. For 750 euro a month you get 52 sq ft (sounds bigger than 16 meters, right?) I love love love the mezzanine (loft bed)!

This one is in Montmartre. 950 euro. 72 square ft. I love the brick columns to separate the bed area.

At Porte de Saint Cloud there is this cute crisp studio. 49 square ft and 800 euro a month. YOWZAH!

(but lookie here!)

And, just for grins, if you cared to have la tour Eiffel RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR TERRACE, you can have 213 sq ft and pay only 5000 euro a month. (But, holy cow!)

With a view like that, I would have a soaker tub in the living room also!

VIVE LA FRANCE!
hehe

you should read it anyway...

I wrote this on Tuesday feeling rather blue. I'm just now posting it because I will have a new post with a brighter outlook and something fun.

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Now that OU has started back, I've been reflecting upon how much I really wish that I was still going to school.

"Adulthood" just isn't treating with as much love or luck as I would have hoped. I don't even really know what that means. To be honest, I went through the post-college days with as much optimism as I could muster, I just don't love this place in my life.


I am so beyond stressed that I think I might be going crazy. So many of you have seen me on my frazzled days, and no amount of medication or meditation (rhymes!) is seeming to make a difference. From here, I don't know what to do or where to go.

I get paid pretty well at my job at the portrait studio, so money should not be a big issue, even though it is starting to be. I am balancing so many different things, and it seems that each month I get completely adjusted when something new pops up. Rent, car insurance, health insurance, electric bill, gas bill, cable bill, water bill.....AHHHH!!! I am spending obscene amounts on gas each month just to get back and forth to my job (65 miles a DAY). As a quick little side note, I absolutely hate HATE HATE writing checks. I'm sorry. I think it is insanely rude for my landlord, whose tenants are 99% young adults, to wait 10 days before depositing a rent check. It's not like he deposits them the same day every month. For a several hundred dollar check, you should cash it and not wait until it tickles your fancy. I think I'm just going to start getting money orders for my rent so I can actually manage my money. Also, I need to carry more cash and give myself a weekly "allowance" for things like convenience stores and lunch. AHHHHH I want to win the lottery.


I've also been frustrated for so long due to my lack of a social life. It is pretty much non-existant. I'm shy and insecure, and I often do not take initiative in my relationships because of my fear of rejection. Also, I worked so hard my last 2 years at OU to do exceptionally well (and make up for 3 semesters that were a blast but my GPA was in the pits) that I didn't leave enough time for myself to spend time with friends. Yes, these things were my fault; now I feel trapped. I'm terrible at letting people in to my life and it is a constant struggle.


I'm not sure of the right path that I should take to make any of this any better, but something has to change. Would I be better of if I were "living the dream" with an amazing job? Honestly, I don't know, but it may help.

This is not a fun post. meh.

Heatlhy?

This has been such a frustrating week, for 4 reasons. All of which have to do with being healthy.

First, I got sick on Saturday. I woke up, had a sore throat, couldn't breath, and I needed to leave for work in an hour. I called into work, said I wouldn't be there, and went to the doctor a few hours later. Apparently, I had an allergic reaction to something, which developed into a sinus infection, which developed into bronchitis. I felt SOOOO bad, and I could not stop sleeping!! So, I got off work for Sunday too (but didn't get paid....), and we are closed Mondays. Tuesday and Wednesday were so hard at work (especially since every other employee was sick too...), but I finally feel 100%!

Second, Thad & I have started P90X!! Now let me clarify: I'm not trying to lose weight OR get TonyHortonRipped. I just want some more definition and to be healthy. I think it's a great program since neither Thad nor I love working out at a gym (specifically The Huff), and since I have had such a hard time running since my foot surgery. But, the workouts are fun and challenging AND done in the privacy of my living room.

Third, my time has been consumed with the inevitable fact that I will no longer be under my parents' insurance as of the first day of the fall semester. Easy enough: go find new insurance. Luckily, my job provides me with tax-free health insurance reimbursement allowance each month. It's generous to get everything one needs out of an insurance plan, so yay! Too bad we have to apply on our own. Medically, I am an undesirable 22 year old. I'm not pregnant. I don't smoke, but every company declines me because of pre-existing conditions and medications. I make too much money for state insurance plans and medicaid. My last option is to stay under the same coverage that I am currently on, under COBRA, but pay the hefty penny associated with amazing coverage. That "hefty penny" costs close to $400 a month. ARGJHASDSADL. More than double what I am allotted. OUCH! It hurts my pocketbook AND my self-esteem. :o(.

Finally, my Great Aunt Birdie died on Wednesday. It's been a sad couple of days for my family, and another cousin just passed two weeks ago. I can't go to the funeral because of work (I missed ALL of last weekend for being sick, remember?). I've been really conflicted about not being able to go ON TOP OF being sad that she died.

Best week ever? No.