Monday, August 31, 2009

this is the happ(ier) one


After feeling overwhelmingly bummed the last few days, things got worse.

I'm sure that you're thinking "this is the happ(ier) post from the last one." No worries. I'm getting to that.

I've spent the last 48 hours almost completely devoted to figure out how to get that happy place. Work has been so so so slow, and I haven't been able to sleep more than 4 hours or so at a time, even with my (medically necessary) sleeping pills. I think I may have found the golden ticket. (It's spending 48 hours devoted to brainstorming how to get to that happy place, in case you were wondering).

I'm not going to lie, 2 nights ago was one of the worst nights of my life. This included the tough nights in France. I felt like my anxiety trapped me in and I couldn't escape. Luckily, my "survival instinct" (no, I didn't think I was going to die) was stronger than the adrenaline (that was making everything worse).
I swear this will end up being a happy post!!
I was still miserably sad, but I had started to think about what I needed to do to make everything better in the long run, and here's what I think it really going to help me be a happier and better person/adult (ahhhh!).

First, I watched this video on YouTube. I recommend it for anyone with anxiety issues or that has had panic attacks. If that's not a problem for you, this guy won't be beneficial at all.

I had never noticed how harmful daydreaming could be for someone like me, but he's right about it turning into negative thoughts. Sadly, I love to daydream, particularly when I'm driving. (I should get books on tape to help).

Then I reflected on what my NECESSITIES...are to stop feeling so upset or helpless so much of the time. It's in my (and yours, too) best interest to be happy e-ver-y-day.

I set some goals for myself, then I set some expectations for myself. These sound like the same thing, and in principle they are, but the degree of importance between them is drastic.
Goals for myself:

-I don't let myself have enough fun. Once I got serious about doing well in school, I nearly obsessed over it. I'm only 22. I should be having fun.
-I am a work first play later person, but right now I can afford to play first and work later. I am really going to work hard to do this.
2. Socialize more with old & new friends.

3. Ask myself: How do each of my actions affect other people?

4. Be ambitious again.

5. Always show my appreciation to others.

6. Be strong and independent.
-BTW I don't want to be overly independent. I just don't want to be codependent on others.
7. Pay more attention to my presence and my body language. Smile more.
-My relaxed face makes me look mean, unapproachable, and bitchy. I see it too, but I am none of those things! It is horribly frustrating.
8. Be more energetic.
-I get tired easily. There is no need to let people know that I am exhausted all of the time.
-Also, I get very frustrated with myself when I can't socialize (or STOP socializing) just because I am tired when it's only 10:00. Again, I need to have more fun!!!
9. Complain less.
-I have a good life. I complain so much about little tiny things that really mean nothing! So, I guess this also falls under "Be more positive and optimistic."
-Everyday. All the time. Make changes to the things I can change (such as all 9 goals listed above...). Love what makes me me (except I don't love my naturally curly hair, in case you hadn't noticed. Thus, I love my Chi.).
Expectations I have for myself:

1. Say please and thank you.

2. Don't be afraid to meet new people.

3. Be more patient.

4. Be okay hanging out with only the company of myself.

5. Listen more. Talk less.

6. Build myself esteem (this, I think, is from where all of the other crap stems)

***some of the others are variations of my goals, so I'll leave them out!
Today will be a good day.



This morning, when I couldn't sleep I was daydreaming (D#$%), I guess that video will have to be a learning process) about living in Paris. I was trying to be ambitious (Goal #4), and living there has always been my dream (to live in Paris, not just France. I did that, remember?).

Alas, I ended up at one of my favorite websites.
This is an English site that has apartments only in Paris. Most of these are furnished and very tiny. I THINK IT WOULD BE AWESOME TO LIVE IN AN ITTY BITTY 52 SQ FT STUDIO!!
Here are some pictures of my favorites!!!

This one is my favorite tiny studio. For 750 euro a month you get 52 sq ft (sounds bigger than 16 meters, right?) I love love love the mezzanine (loft bed)!
This one is in Montmartre. 950 euro. 72 square ft. I love the brick columns to separate the bed area.

At Porte de Saint Cloud there is this cute crisp studio. 49 square ft and 800 euro a month. YOWZAH!
(but lookie here!)

And, just for grins, if you cared to have la tour Eiffel RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR TERRACE, you can have 213 sq ft and pay only 5000 euro a month. (But, holy cow!)

With a view like that, I would have a soaker tub in the living room also!


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