Thursday, August 27, 2009

you should read it anyway...

I wrote this on Tuesday feeling rather blue. I'm just now posting it because I will have a new post with a brighter outlook and something fun.


Now that OU has started back, I've been reflecting upon how much I really wish that I was still going to school.

"Adulthood" just isn't treating with as much love or luck as I would have hoped. I don't even really know what that means. To be honest, I went through the post-college days with as much optimism as I could muster, I just don't love this place in my life.

I am so beyond stressed that I think I might be going crazy. So many of you have seen me on my frazzled days, and no amount of medication or meditation (rhymes!) is seeming to make a difference. From here, I don't know what to do or where to go.

I get paid pretty well at my job at the portrait studio, so money should not be a big issue, even though it is starting to be. I am balancing so many different things, and it seems that each month I get completely adjusted when something new pops up. Rent, car insurance, health insurance, electric bill, gas bill, cable bill, water bill.....AHHHH!!! I am spending obscene amounts on gas each month just to get back and forth to my job (65 miles a DAY). As a quick little side note, I absolutely hate HATE HATE writing checks. I'm sorry. I think it is insanely rude for my landlord, whose tenants are 99% young adults, to wait 10 days before depositing a rent check. It's not like he deposits them the same day every month. For a several hundred dollar check, you should cash it and not wait until it tickles your fancy. I think I'm just going to start getting money orders for my rent so I can actually manage my money. Also, I need to carry more cash and give myself a weekly "allowance" for things like convenience stores and lunch. AHHHHH I want to win the lottery.

I've also been frustrated for so long due to my lack of a social life. It is pretty much non-existant. I'm shy and insecure, and I often do not take initiative in my relationships because of my fear of rejection. Also, I worked so hard my last 2 years at OU to do exceptionally well (and make up for 3 semesters that were a blast but my GPA was in the pits) that I didn't leave enough time for myself to spend time with friends. Yes, these things were my fault; now I feel trapped. I'm terrible at letting people in to my life and it is a constant struggle.

I'm not sure of the right path that I should take to make any of this any better, but something has to change. Would I be better of if I were "living the dream" with an amazing job? Honestly, I don't know, but it may help.

This is not a fun post. meh.

No comments:

Post a Comment