THREEsixFIVE

I'm going to be honest.

I'm not feeling the whole Project 365 lately. This may take a few posts to get done, but now that the semester is finished I am hoping things will be easier.

Maybe it has to do with this semester being crazy. Maybe it has to do with me thinking that nobody cares. Maybe it has to do with me being not so sure I should post what makes a day great.

I think it has a lot to do with that last one. I guess my concerns is that certain people need not see how or with whom I'm spending all of my time. (Not referring to you, though). Maybe I just shouldn't worry about them so much, but I am a very private and very self-conscious person (believe it or not). I worry about how others perceive me, maybe too much for my own good.

I'm also kind of boring, which is a big part of it. This was supposed to force me to be not so boring, but instead I just end up taking pictures of my dog (who lives alone with me in my one bedroom apartment that is spic and span and heavily decorated...) and our boring life together.

I also refuse to be in any picture when I know I look like shitake mushrooms. See above: very self-conscious person.

04/20/2010

Day 58: Absolutely no fun today....still feeling crummy, statistics ALL DAY LONG!

04/21/2010

Day 59: I could have rang his neck for this one. I was gone 5 minutes. This is when I realized I would now and forever more have to keep trash locked up in the bathroom.

04/22/2010

Day 60: Guess who got sent home from night class because they couldn't stop puking!!! Then I got a call from Drake, who's car overheated in the Wal-Mart parking lot. He cooked himself dinner while I ate frozen yogurt, then I cuddled with the pup.

04/23/2010

Day 61: I was so close to getting a really good pic of this squirrel. Scaredy-squirrel.

04/24/2010

Day 62: Spent most of the day at the library working on research papers. This was right before leaving to go NMF it up.

04/25/2010

Day 63: Norman Music Festival 3!!! Electric Six was fantastic, but I REALLY couldn't handle the crowd of people swarming around me so I left before Dirty Projectors. (Second year in a row that I leave because of claustrophobia as the headliners about to go on...sad.)

MacGyver & 365

I've decided to go to bed early tonight, but thought I'd blog first.

365: I'll get to it at the end.

This weekend was bleh.

Saturday, in attempt to justify not wanting to workout, I decided to go for an athletic walk. Not a stroll, not an enjoy the weather walk, no winin' n' walkin'. Problem: it was raining. Common sense kicked it & told me to wear shorts so that my pants wouldn't get soaked. It was also chilly outside, so I wore a hoodie, but I was attempting to raise my heart rate a little & mayyyyybe break a sweat.

I'm a silly girl, though. Sometimes I lock my door when I go on walks & bring my keys. Sometime I leave my door unlocked because my apartment is in a house so I think that automatically makes me safe (doesn't). Saturday I locked my door & didn't bring my keys.

I was also soaking wet from walking in the rain.

No problem. I have a spare key to apt in my car. Crap. The hide-a-key to my car is in the apartment because my car was in the shop. Fine. I'll pick the lock (yes, I can). Crap. No bobby pins or the like. It's okay. I can break in with a credit card (yes, I can). Crap. I don't have one. I'll just use cardstock from mailers in the recycle bin. Crap. They're all floppy from the rain/humidity. IT'S OKAY I CAN FIGURE THIS OUT BECAUSE I'M HANDY & I DON'T WANT TO CALL A FREAKING LOCKSMITH....SO I'LL JUST USE THE LID OF THIS EMPTY CAN OF FOOD TO BREAK IN. Nevermind that it's metal.

Don't worry though. I got in. I was basically MacGyver & used a food can lid to break into my apartment.

I did end up with FIVE lovely cuts on my hands from playing with sharp metal. I whined about it all night.

I woke up the next morning with a cold (stranded outside of apartment soaking wet in chilly weather for 30 minutes trying to break in will do that). I'm so great.

MacGyver should take notes.

I am now recovered from my cold/illness. I have quarantined myself in my apartment unless absolutely necessary because I am terrified that I will catch whatever stomach flu is going around. My body can't handle 48 hours of nonstop vom/runs. That was a really gross image, sorry.

Anyway, Project 365.

04/12/2010

Day 50: Playdate with Jessica. We went on a walk & ate our body weight in Cici's Pizza.

04/13/2010

Day 51: Yummy healthy dinner! Lemon baked tilapia, broccoli, salad & water!

04/14/2010

Day 52: Sometimes, Pad Thai is the only thing I can think of & I have to have it. It's a little ridiculous, but my Aunt Kim & I think there is something literally addicting about the spice.

04/15/2010

Day 53: Alex & me with Bandana Rana, a fantastic media activist from Nepal. This woman is truly amazing!

04/16/2010

Day 54: Stacey marries Jeremy.

04/17/2010

Day 55: I bought a sewing machine so that I can alter my clothes myself and make pretty things! My mom gave me the boxes, which used to be in our hall bath, & they are perfect for holding sewing machine things!!

04/18/2010

Day 56: I'm sick, so Tucker makes it all better. He's being crushed under my legs & could care less!! (Good puppy)

04/19/2010

Day 57: I'm still not healthy/lively enough to be in any pictures. This was a fun game to play with Tucker. I call it "torture the lonely puppy" :o(

Burn the Candles

Maybe...this will be a little vague. Vague in meaning, but not in purpose. You see, I can't sleep. Time to blog, my cute little neglected bloggers.

In case you didn't know, or in case you've never spent any more than 10 minutes with me, I struggle with anxiety. It's an issue & a down-right pain in the tookis. Here's something new: In October, I was on no health insurance & was too broke cheap stubborn to pay full price for medications...I went off of my anxiety medication COLD TURKEY after a reasonably high dose for the last 5 years.

YAY!!!!!! Even though this was definitely not what any medical professional would have recommended (nor any reasonable person, given a laundry list of issues which had taken place over the previous six months that alone could be considered fundamentally shaking), I went off of each of my 14 (= a lot) different daily pills (between meds & vitamins) save THE Pill (still important).

I haven't felt this great in at least the last 2 years. TWO YEARS. I don't know that I've ever felt this great. Physically, emotionally, psychologically....I'm in a good place. Things aren't perfect. I hate grad school. I have a hard time seeding & growing relationships. I'm confused about what it is I want to do with my life. I'm ready for a REALLY GOOD & POSITIVE life change. But, I feel fantastic....it's a really great way to feel even amidst all of this uncertainty.

/*End Rant of Personal Triumph*/

Anyway, I've got some anxiety/stress stuff going on right now. It's no day in the park, but I'm handling it. I can't sleep, I'd really like to go workout (even though it's currently 415 am), I am so badly craving a Diet Coke, my mind is racing & all I can manage to do is to lie curled up in a ball on my bed hoping to miraculously find a sheep beneath my shut-eye. For now I'm looking forward to day light so that I can force myself to live my life. This is why people sleep at night & not during the day.

I once saw somewhere that the worst thing a person with anxiety can do is daydream. Too easily, daydreaming can get out of control & snowball into a bigger issue for "us." Problem: I really really enjoy daydreaming & didn't want to give it up. I used to think that this was an insurmountable problem until I became conscious of it. I daydream a lot less now. (I actually posted about this back in August: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e13frxJu6Ls)

So along with that, and along with the point that I spent the greater half of the afternoon talking with a friend about living life to the fullest, I come to my point.

I HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE IN THE PRESENT. (You do, too). Stop reminiscing/regretting the past because it's there to stay. Stop looking forward to the future like it's destined to be perfect & magical (it won't be....this is just creating unreasonable expectations where letdowns are nearly inevitable).

When this gets difficult, I think about 1 thing on 2 different levels. One of the two usually does the trick.

The thing: Every second that passes is a moment that's gone forever.

Level 1: I spent two of the best years of my life (ages 21 & 22) being really really depressed. I never get another chance to be 21 & 22. I can't change this, but I'll be dam.ned if I don't make up for it while I'm 23/24/25/26/etc. I only get one life.

Level 2: Do you look forward to the weekend? To summer? To a great vacation? To being retired? We all do. It's impossible to not. But, how much mental energy do you put into it? Why not try & make your Tuesday better than any weekend day? I guess the way I see it is that it's really difficult to live in the moment when you're always looking forward to that next great moment. (Yes, I do realize that at this very moment I am "looking forward to day light so that I can force myself to live my life." Contradiction, yes, but I'm too lazy not reword my logic; I guess it's just better to call myself out on the mistake than for someone else to.)

Anyway....I know this wasn't very organized & was a little lengthy, but I felt the need to share.

Holy Moly 365!!!

It's been a while!!!! 24 days to be exact.

When I was reading about Project 365, they said one should update every 4-5 days so that it's not a big to-do to upload the photos. Ooooooops.

03/19/2010

Day 26: Embarassing ourselves at Warren.

03/20/2010

Day 27: Wild night.

03/21/2010

Day 28: Wild night left a nasty bruise on my thigh from falling on the ice.

03/22/2010

Day 29: He's so cute....

03/23/2010

Day 30: Water spilled onto my living room floor through the ceiling as my upstairs neighbor took a shower. It was a problem.

03/24/2010

Day 31: Puppy class graduation!!!

03/25/2010

Day 32: If you have never had the spinach chips from Blu, you are seriously missing out!!!

03/26/2010

Day 33: I guess I lived at Blu this week.....

03/27/2010

Day 34: Though you can't tell because he looks so darn happy, this is one hurt puppy! I groom him myself, and this time he jerked his leg into the clippers :o(....my fault. One nasty gash later, I felt terrible & Tucker got put under to get two sutures. He didn't seem phased by any of this, but I was terrified, feeling terribly guilty & $100 broker.

03/28/2010

Day 35: Nasty bruising on Tucker's front leg the day after "surgery" from the IV.

03/29/2010

Day 36: Bathing suit for less than $20? Yess pleaseeeee!

03/30/2010

Day 37: Tuesday nights: Winin' n' walkin'

03/31/2010

Day 38: This was so good! It was Franzia , Crystal Light & tonic water. It was really light & not very strong.

04/01/2010

Day 39: The Library has half priced pizza. YUMMMMMM.

04/02/2010

Day 40: Drive to Dallas for Easter weekend

04/03/2010

Day 41: This is all we do when I go to my parents' house: watch the dogs.

04/04/2010

Day 42: EASTER!! I make the best deviled eggs in the world!!!

04/05/2010

Day 43: Tucker doing yoga.

04/06/2010

Day 44: I was a little stressed out.

04/07/2010

Day 45: I go into the store for ONE MINUTE & Tucker eats an entire order of Triple Layer Nachos. This was such a mess to clean up!!!

04/08/2010

Day 46: I usually go out on Thursdays after my night class. These are 14 hour days & can usually use a drink. One Swirl is enough, though!!!

04/09/2010

Day 47: Drake refused to let his eyes be seen without his glasses on. I refused to let my eyes be seen without makeup on, so I stole his glasses. Vicious Cycle.

04/10/2010

Day 48: This coat cost me $17. I know you love it!

04/11/2010

Day 49: Stacey's Bachelorette Party!!! Went out with a bunch of girls I used to work with!!