Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Burn the Candles

Maybe...this will be a little vague. Vague in meaning, but not in purpose. You see, I can't sleep. Time to blog, my cute little neglected bloggers.

In case you didn't know, or in case you've never spent any more than 10 minutes with me, I struggle with anxiety. It's an issue & a down-right pain in the tookis. Here's something new: In October, I was on no health insurance & was too broke cheap stubborn to pay full price for medications...I went off of my anxiety medication COLD TURKEY after a reasonably high dose for the last 5 years.

YAY!!!!!! Even though this was definitely not what any medical professional would have recommended (nor any reasonable person, given a laundry list of issues which had taken place over the previous six months that alone could be considered fundamentally shaking), I went off of each of my 14 (= a lot) different daily pills (between meds & vitamins) save THE Pill (still important).

I haven't felt this great in at least the last 2 years. TWO YEARS. I don't know that I've ever felt this great. Physically, emotionally, psychologically....I'm in a good place. Things aren't perfect. I hate grad school. I have a hard time seeding & growing relationships. I'm confused about what it is I want to do with my life. I'm ready for a REALLY GOOD & POSITIVE life change. But, I feel fantastic....it's a really great way to feel even amidst all of this uncertainty.

/*End Rant of Personal Triumph*/

Anyway, I've got some anxiety/stress stuff going on right now. It's no day in the park, but I'm handling it. I can't sleep, I'd really like to go workout (even though it's currently 415 am), I am so badly craving a Diet Coke, my mind is racing & all I can manage to do is to lie curled up in a ball on my bed hoping to miraculously find a sheep beneath my shut-eye. For now I'm looking forward to day light so that I can force myself to live my life. This is why people sleep at night & not during the day.

I once saw somewhere that the worst thing a person with anxiety can do is daydream. Too easily, daydreaming can get out of control & snowball into a bigger issue for "us." Problem: I really really enjoy daydreaming & didn't want to give it up. I used to think that this was an insurmountable problem until I became conscious of it. I daydream a lot less now. (I actually posted about this back in August: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e13frxJu6Ls)

So along with that, and along with the point that I spent the greater half of the afternoon talking with a friend about living life to the fullest, I come to my point.

I HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE IN THE PRESENT. (You do, too). Stop reminiscing/regretting the past because it's there to stay. Stop looking forward to the future like it's destined to be perfect & magical (it won't be....this is just creating unreasonable expectations where letdowns are nearly inevitable).

When this gets difficult, I think about 1 thing on 2 different levels. One of the two usually does the trick.

The thing: Every second that passes is a moment that's gone forever.

Level 1: I spent two of the best years of my life (ages 21 & 22) being really really depressed. I never get another chance to be 21 & 22. I can't change this, but I'll be dam.ned if I don't make up for it while I'm 23/24/25/26/etc. I only get one life.

Level 2: Do you look forward to the weekend? To summer? To a great vacation? To being retired? We all do. It's impossible to not. But, how much mental energy do you put into it? Why not try & make your Tuesday better than any weekend day? I guess the way I see it is that it's really difficult to live in the moment when you're always looking forward to that next great moment. (Yes, I do realize that at this very moment I am "looking forward to day light so that I can force myself to live my life." Contradiction, yes, but I'm too lazy not reword my logic; I guess it's just better to call myself out on the mistake than for someone else to.)

Anyway....I know this wasn't very organized & was a little lengthy, but I felt the need to share.


  1. i loved this blog alisha! i'm glad that you're so much happier and that you've felt a change in your life.

    i struggle sooo much with not looking forward and i struggle even more with not looking back. it's a real issue that i've dealt with for most of my life. it's somewhat comforting to know that other people are having the same issues. but we can overcome them!


  2. im so glad you appreciated my 4 am rant!! lol...& it's definitely comforting to know that MOST people struggle with this on some level. I've just been realizing the last few months that it's really important to stay conscious of it :o)

    i love you call!!!

  3. i loved this blog so much as well!!! i definitely have the looking forward problem - i first noticed it in 9th grade and have struggled with it ever since. i have a NEED for adventure in my life, and i am constantly planning my next adventure instead of enjoying the present one! it's a work in progress, but so is life :) i love you and i'm so glad you're in a better place than you have been in the last few years. i can't wait to see you in 5 weeks!!