Burn the Candles

Maybe...this will be a little vague. Vague in meaning, but not in purpose. You see, I can't sleep. Time to blog, my cute little neglected bloggers.

In case you didn't know, or in case you've never spent any more than 10 minutes with me, I struggle with anxiety. It's an issue & a down-right pain in the tookis. Here's something new: In October, I was on no health insurance & was too broke cheap stubborn to pay full price for medications...I went off of my anxiety medication COLD TURKEY after a reasonably high dose for the last 5 years.

YAY!!!!!! Even though this was definitely not what any medical professional would have recommended (nor any reasonable person, given a laundry list of issues which had taken place over the previous six months that alone could be considered fundamentally shaking), I went off of each of my 14 (= a lot) different daily pills (between meds & vitamins) save THE Pill (still important).

I haven't felt this great in at least the last 2 years. TWO YEARS. I don't know that I've ever felt this great. Physically, emotionally, psychologically....I'm in a good place. Things aren't perfect. I hate grad school. I have a hard time seeding & growing relationships. I'm confused about what it is I want to do with my life. I'm ready for a REALLY GOOD & POSITIVE life change. But, I feel fantastic....it's a really great way to feel even amidst all of this uncertainty.

/*End Rant of Personal Triumph*/

Anyway, I've got some anxiety/stress stuff going on right now. It's no day in the park, but I'm handling it. I can't sleep, I'd really like to go workout (even though it's currently 415 am), I am so badly craving a Diet Coke, my mind is racing & all I can manage to do is to lie curled up in a ball on my bed hoping to miraculously find a sheep beneath my shut-eye. For now I'm looking forward to day light so that I can force myself to live my life. This is why people sleep at night & not during the day.

I once saw somewhere that the worst thing a person with anxiety can do is daydream. Too easily, daydreaming can get out of control & snowball into a bigger issue for "us." Problem: I really really enjoy daydreaming & didn't want to give it up. I used to think that this was an insurmountable problem until I became conscious of it. I daydream a lot less now. (I actually posted about this back in August: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e13frxJu6Ls)

So along with that, and along with the point that I spent the greater half of the afternoon talking with a friend about living life to the fullest, I come to my point.

I HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE IN THE PRESENT. (You do, too). Stop reminiscing/regretting the past because it's there to stay. Stop looking forward to the future like it's destined to be perfect & magical (it won't be....this is just creating unreasonable expectations where letdowns are nearly inevitable).

When this gets difficult, I think about 1 thing on 2 different levels. One of the two usually does the trick.

The thing: Every second that passes is a moment that's gone forever.

Level 1: I spent two of the best years of my life (ages 21 & 22) being really really depressed. I never get another chance to be 21 & 22. I can't change this, but I'll be dam.ned if I don't make up for it while I'm 23/24/25/26/etc. I only get one life.

Level 2: Do you look forward to the weekend? To summer? To a great vacation? To being retired? We all do. It's impossible to not. But, how much mental energy do you put into it? Why not try & make your Tuesday better than any weekend day? I guess the way I see it is that it's really difficult to live in the moment when you're always looking forward to that next great moment. (Yes, I do realize that at this very moment I am "looking forward to day light so that I can force myself to live my life." Contradiction, yes, but I'm too lazy not reword my logic; I guess it's just better to call myself out on the mistake than for someone else to.)

Anyway....I know this wasn't very organized & was a little lengthy, but I felt the need to share.